I'm angry today. I'm angry at myself, my dogs, God, my family and anything and anyone else. This is one of those I can't do anything days. One of those days when getting out of bed, dressed and into the living room seems an insurmountable struggle. I mean come on how many people actually need their son to get them to the couch? I feel I have let down a wonderful friend, my wife, my sons and my Lord. I can't stand the frustration and want to hurt something.
It use to be that when I got angry I could go out and do something about it, you know throw some students around a little, beat on the heavy bag, spar with a superior fighter, break some boards or blocks, now all I can do is sit around and wait to get the muscle control back enough to punch myself in the side of the face. I can't read, I can't follow a movie, I can't follow a television show. I can't even remember my sign ins for most things.
I don't like what I am becoming and my faith is starting to falter. Lord give me the strength to remain sane, to accept your will even when I don't understand it and most of all to remember that it is Who You are that is important not what I am.
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The good news is that God is not mad, and is not intimidated, or upset that you are angry.
ReplyDeleteI can't even begin to imagine what it was like to be you today. I don't know what words I can say to make you feel better - there may not be any. I'm not even going to try to throw around some trite words like, "it's going to be ok" or "things will get better"...
I can only remind you of what you told me the other day: that you are so grateful and blessed to have an amazing wife whom you adore and who loves you, two wonderful sons, and that you have been granted a free salvation that you don't deserve.
And, a friend who cares about you and who respects and admires you very much.
When I told you it makes me mad that you have to go through what you go through, you told me not to be mad, but to praise the Lord. So, I'm doing what you told me to do.
It takes a really strong man to be John T. Beaver. I seriously doubt you've ever just laid on the mat when you've gotten knocked down. I seriously doubt that you are going to start now.
Thanks for being my friend.
I am fortunate that I have you in my life again. By the way using my own words back at me how very.........well Christian and loving of you.
ReplyDeleteI love you. You know why I help you into the living room? Because you deserve to be in the living room, you deserve to have as much of a life as is at all possible for you. Your body may fail you today, your mind may fail you today, but there is tomorrow. And if tomorrow is bad, there is next week. No matter how bad it gets, you are not dead, and it will get better, even if you have to wait. I love you. We will get through this together. 01
ReplyDeleteFor the record, there is not a damned (sorry mom) thing wrong with expressing anger, frustration, angst or sorrow. It is healthy to release these emotions, and i think words are a fairly non-harming constructive way to do so. (hugs)
ReplyDeleteI love you son, you and your brother are blessings to your mother and I.
ReplyDeleteI have been enjoying reading your writing about our Risen Lord, John, and am looking forward to many more posts. I just wanted to write a quick note to let you know that I really respect and appreciate your openness and honesty and I have prayed for you tonight. God Bless you.
ReplyDeleteNickflight I appreciate the words of encouragement. I will post more this week. Thank you for reading and taking the time to let me know.
ReplyDeleteJohn
John, I came across your blog while doing a search on google. From what I have read you seem to be a person of deep feelings and understanding of the life of our Lord, Jesus Christ. I was sorry to read about your anger, yet I know what it feels like to be frustrated because of of circumstances and get upset. Isn't it wonderful to know that you have family and friends who love you and sacrifice for you? I believe that sometimes the burdens and trials we have are not only to help us grow and become a more Christ like people, but also to give those around us a chance to show us, themselves and God what they are made of. Sometimes when we look at these situations in this light, it becomes easier to allow others to serve us and to not feel like we are just a burden to be dealt with. God works in mysterious ways, my brother, but as we study the life of Christ and learn to emulate him, we can find peace, even in the most frustrating and upsetting of circumstances. Thank you for sharing your life with me.
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